Digging The Fork Deeper: Taking A Closer Look (Part II)
Taking the Bulimia a step further, I chose to look at digging down to the root of the excessive guilt. The guilt was enough for me to flash back to the abusive behaviors that I encountered growing up. In fact, many of the things this family member spoke over me, I found myself repeating to myself.
The pattern I now find myself fighting to overcome is emotional response or trigger, response to food usually in a small quantity now, then excessive guilt leading to flash back and repeating words spoken over me in my past, and finally me having to fight to reject the seed now rather than respond.
To some, this would seem like a backwards behavior, but actually it is healing. The symptoms experienced are that of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD. Believe it or not, after doing some research, there is a direct correlation between eating disorders and past abuse and trauma.
Remember in the last post we discussed that I had incurred much abuse from a close family member mentally, physically, and emotionally. Generally, PTSD mimics that of sexual or physical abuse. I believe, from a spiritual standpoint that emotional, spiritual, and mental abuse is just as damaging if not more damaging in some ways than physical or sexual abuse. No matter what type of abuse, abuse is abuse, and from a loved one is extremely frightening and damaging no matter what situation is encountered.
This was very eye opening because I felt that for once in my life, I had some answers as to why I would flash back to certain memories and repeat the abuse patterns, it shed alot of light on my situation. I don’t have all the answers, but I am carefully praying and seeking out healthy responses and ways to encourage myself, know when to love and accept myself. I know there will be many battles up and down, but I also know there is a great God that we serve who is wanting to return me to His former glory. I know that He is so powerful and as I pray for knowledge and wisdom, I am confident that He will show me what these next steps look like in the next chapter of my healing.
I am here writing this to you to encourage you that you are not alone. Struggle is real and usually the thing you struggle with lies your greatest anointing that is meant to inspire and capture the hearts of many. I am on a mission, I am so passionate about caring for my body and getting it back on track. For this reason, I am more than willing to share my experiences and encounters. My goal is that you too share and that this can be a safe place to grown and learn from one another. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be completely transparent with you. I hope to continue to share as more is revealed. Until next time, have a great rest of your week.